The Prince of Portlandia

Once upon a time, there was a strange and magical land where all those who lived were cursed. Those marked by The Evil Witch could only see through black framed glasses, could only hear the sounds of soft Indie Rock and were forced to wear internal-organ-crushing skinny jeans.               

    This magical land was known as Portlandia.

Portlandia had long been segregated from the rest of the Enchanted Forest of Oregon. An evil witch had spelled The Land and turned all of her subjects into ogres of which she called Hipsters. My quest to Portlandia was in search of The Prince, destined to save The Land from this evil enchantress. The task was too great to be fought alone; I needed my most trusted friend, Eve.

The journey from The California Castle to this faraway land was long; it seemed that we would never find our way. To bypass the treacherous Enchanted Forest, a dragon carried us upon its back. As we finally spotted Portlandia, the dragon slowly dropped to the ground, never alerting the cursed-knights to our arrival. We soon found a weak spot within the Portlandia Gate and silently slid through.

 

The Witch's curse within The Ghostly Manor

We traveled until we found The Ghostly Manor where we'd hope to hide as we continued our search for The Prince. As Eve and I entered, we quickly realized that it had been cursed as well; it was stuck within a time loop, stuck in 1850. As we sat at the ancient tables, a palm reader suddenly appeared offering to relay my fortune. I couldn't exactly place what I'd felt, but I knew that there was something off about her. The old hag violently grabbed my arm and began to read the lines of my hand, revealing that my life was soon to change. She wouldn't disclose the details of the life altering event; for that required money. Refusing to pay, her face suddenly began to change; her bones began to break and reassemble right before my eyes. She was The Witch! Eve and I ran, never resting until we came to our little room, the only place she could never enter. We cautiously examined our hide-away, looking to see if the ghosts of her victims still lingered within. It wasn't called The Ghostly Manor for just any reason.

...we didn't stop until we came to our little room.

Seeing The Witch face to face made us even more determined to find The Prince. We headed for The Center of Portlandia where we could stay in the shadows, keeping out of view of her Hipsters who would most certainly trap us within the curse. Eve and I searched The Enchanted Land for hours until we came upon a group of prospective princesses sitting outside a strange place called The Roseland; The Prince must have been inside. The little ladies created settlements around the walls to wait for their precious ginger. I began to study each of the ladies, scanning their eyes, unveiling their intentions. I soon noticed one that seemed to be far different than the rest; her smile was a bit...off. All of a sudden she let out a cackle that could only come from The Witch herself. She must have changed her face in the hopes of winning The Prince's heart! We couldn't let that happen. Eve and I had to find a way to stop her.

We returned that night to rescue The Prince, unsure of how exactly it could be done. We stood outside the walls of The Roseland, watching...wondering who had become the hidden witch. Panic set in as we realized that we would soon be surrounded by thousands of possible evil witches...completely unprepared. 

 

The little princesses, or The Witch

 The Witch never made her move against us and we safely found our way inside. To our delight, The Roseland had been divided in two: The Peasant Level for all of the prospective princesses younger than 21 and the Royal Box for those of us a little older. Eve and I quickly ascended to the upper level to convene with the other royals as The Witch was left with the peasants; her young disguise forced her to remain with all of those who she greatly despised. Suddenly, we heard a blood-curtailing scream from The Peasant Level; The Prince had arrived, and he had begun to sing. I'd heard tales of his voice, but with every word I fell in love. The Witch must have been angry when his spotlight came upon me and The Prince and I locked eyes. One of the jealous princesses soon cried out, "I JUST WANT TO STROKE YOU!" in hopes to gain his attention. The Prince continued his song and our eyes met once again.

 
The Prince  

The Prince sang for hours, but after his melody "You Need Me, I Don't Need You", he suddenly disappeared; I became worried that The Witch had done something. All of those in attendance were forced to leave, a princess wouldn't be chosen that night. We sat in the Royal Box, hoping to somehow spot him. Soon, one of The Witch's armed guards found us...and we ran for our lives. Extremely tired and hungry, we visited a local shop called Voodoo Doughnut, the creation of The Witch's younger and more beautiful sister. These magical cakes contained both power and bravery. To earn them however, we had to recite a spell. My cake required the use of the phrase, "Triple Chocolate Penetration", something a lady should never say. I soon felt powerful, I could fight anything; a dragon: a Hipster, The Witch. I wasn't the only one who needed to be prepared, Eve did as well. She used the spell, "Old Dirty Bastard"'; not the language of a proper woman indeed, but she started to feel a little braver. The spelled cakes required time to fully work, so we began the journey back to The Ghostly Manor, leaving the prospective princesses waiting at The Prince's window, from which he never appeared.

As we awoke from our voodoo slumber, we set off to find the ancient magic that would aid us in our fight against The Witch. We traveled to the source...Multnomah Falls. The water from the mountain contained more magic than The Witch could ever hope to see. For years it had been protected by her younger and more beautiful sister, where else would the Voodoo Doughnuts get their power? We found ourselves a carriage to bring us to The Falls. Soon, we would have everything that we needed to save The Prince.

Multnomah Falls Magic Shoppe

The Falls

We traveled to the bottom of the mountain to collect some of the magic within the water. The entire time that we knelt near the magic pond, we could feel someone watching us. The Falls was crowded that day and there was no way to tell who exactly was staring. Eve and I began to walk back to The Magic Shoppe; we needed to learn how to work the spell. As we walked in, we were immediately met by a woman called Amy. She pulled us away from the crowd; she could feel the eyes watching us as well. Within moments, we were attacked! One of The Witch's ogres had found us. How do you fend off a Hipster? Eve and I hadn't a clue, but Amy seemed to have an idea.  All of a sudden, a box appeared and inside was a pair of Ray-Bans, a penny-board, a camera and a type-writer. The ogre stopped in his tracks, he couldn't help himself. He grabbed the penny-board, put on the Ray-Bans and immediately began to ride around the shop, taking photos and compulsively writing about it. While The Hipster remained distracted, we ran. We continued to run until we were sure that no one was chasing us. Neither of us knew how to use the magic from The Falls, but as I tried to catch my breath, I noticed a small piece of paper crumpled in my hand. Amy somehow managed to give me the words to complete the spell. All that was written was...

"Give Me Love"

                                                                                                                                                                   
These are my photos from my trip to Portland. I was going to just write a blog about it, but decided to make it a little more interesting. This is my fairytale version.

Eve: Fake name, my friend doesn't have a fairy-tell name 

The dragon: the plane 

The cursed-knights: TSA who search me every-time I go through security

The Ghostly Manor: The White Eagle Bar & Hotel
The Prospective Princesses: All of the teen girls at the concert
The Prince: Ed Sheeran

The Roseland: Venue of the show

The Royal Box: The 2nd level where the bar was, no teens allowed
Multnomah Falls: Actually Multnomah, no magic
Voodoo Doughnuts: Actually Voodoo Doughnuts, no magic

Triple Chocolate Penetration Spell: My doughnut: vegan chocolate, with chocolate frosting and coco puffs

Old Dirty Bastard Spell: My friend's doughnut: yeast doughnut with frosting, Oreo and peanut butter

Give Me Love Spell: My favorite song

The Witch: The too-cool-for-school vibe of Portland

The Hipster Ogre: The too-cool-for-school people of Portland

Yes: Some girl screamed "I just want to stroke you" AND I did lock eyes with Ed Sheeran. It was awesome.

The Lake Misadventure

When you've been awake for 28 hours straight, sometimes you make a few bad decisions.

After an even longer night than usual, I began another day of absolute cabin fever. The day before was my birthday, but I was too sick to do anything other than stay in bed. It was my fourth day in a row of this and I was going absolutely of my mind, or as I call it "I just want to leave the house insane". Despite finding it quite exhausting, I made up my mind to go for a walk outside in the fresh air. How does the song go..."I wanna be where the people are". I was so sick of laying down that even-though I knew it would be difficult, I really wanted to go for a walk to the lake. Not going to lie, it was a Top 20 Bad Idea. At-least it didn't make The Top 10.

I took advantage of this rare opportunity of possible human interaction to get dressed...in real clothes! With my most comfortable pair of shorts and my Standford sweatshirt on, I was ready to go. My outfit needed one more thing though, a non sickly looking face! I didn't look this way because of the treatment or from actually being ill. Sickly is my permanent shade. Smashbox should make a color just for me. I'm so fair skinned that I tend to look grey; add to that purple bags under the eyes and people assume that I'm dying on my best days. I desperately needed a bit of make-up to help me look less horrible. Don't get me wrong, foundation was as far as I went. A full face of make-up..."ain't nobody got time for that!" I finished the outfit with my favorite black converse; oh what a mistake. They look so much better than tennis shoes though...I had to keep it cute.

There are two ways to get to the lake: the freeway or the trail. I chose to walk, which was another mistake! All day I thought about the better choices and deliberately went against them. I guess if this is my Hep Rebellion, then it's not too bad. I considered how far the trek really was and decided that I didn't care, I just wanted to be out for as long as I could.

The trail to the lake begins in a flower filled valley. All you need is Julie Andrews skipping through the purple grass, serenading you with "The Hills Are Alive" to make it feel completely unreal. I usually have a friend with me, but being all alone, I had my music to keep me company.  As I went along, getting lost in the music, I realized that it was the beginning to every "Criminal Minds" episode. I was completely alone in the field, at least I hoped. I enjoyed my time alone, feeling as though the quiet valley was all my own. I soon came upon a little forest, surrounded by a little garden. This was the first place that I decided to rest. It felt like I had traveled miles already.

To get from the valley to the lake, you must conquer a hill as tall as Mt. Everest; it was difficult even when I was at my most fit (and not on treatment). While climbing my own private Mordor, I was lapped a few times by a runner. Every-time they came back around, I held my breath a little to hide my unflattering dry heaving. A more intelligent person would have taken a moment and figured out that it was probably time to stop. Oh, but not me! The harder the walk, the more determined I became to get to the lake. Clearly, I have a rebellion problem.

After what felt like FOREVER, I finally made it to the lake. I sat by the water ready to eat, but I soon noticed the wave of geese coming towards me, all led by a demonic swan. The minute that the evil little birds think that you're there to feed them, they come like the zombies in "Land of the Dead"; stalking you from the water. It's the most terrifying thing to see at a lake, other than Jason Voorhees of course.

I backed away slowly from the horrible animals and continued down the lake. I can only imagine how I looked at this point. I was beginning to get a little light headed and had moments when my feet would go the opposite direction of where I had intended, I must have looked like a giant drunk baby. I should have gone back, but of course I didn't. Honestly, I really wanted to find the baby cows. A dangerous task when the mothers have a tendency to stampede if you get too close. The last thing I wanted was to end up on the 11 O'Clock News for being tackled by a cow. I kept wandering until I started to feel extremely sick. My whole abdomen began to cramp at the exact moment that I ran out of water.  Realizing how badly I had screwed up, I started the long journey back to my car, which was two miles away. I tried my best to not look sick, I didn't want anyone to think that I was just badly out of shape. I have my pride after all! Each time I found a bench to fall onto, a fit person came running my way. I'd jump up as fast as a partially collapsed person could; avoiding all eye contact to keep the delusion that "I didn't look a hot-mess" alive.

With every step, I found myself in more pain. I just wanted to get to my car. I really wanted to sit (ironically) and take off my converse that hurt so much; obviously the reason that they make tennis shoes. When I finally made it to my car, I felt like dying. Next time I'll drive to the lake, or just be a bit smarter; maybe drag one of my very busy friends along. My long journey did help me get to sleep; I was only awake for 22 hours that day.

Did You Know That I Wrote A Book?

I had another mini-adventure today. I'm quite tired at the moment, so I won't write a blog about it quite yet.  But, while out and about, I thought I'd share a few bits from a book that I wrote and illustrated.

This is a year old. I took a few photos at the lake that I love to go to (and where I was today) and created a story around it. It is about two cats who are lost in the hills. They meet a cow (and her crow friends) and they all help each other to escape from the angry honey bees. It's a kids book, in-case you were wondering! 

Here are a few of the pages, along with the original photos.

It's not The Great American Novel, but it was fun.

 

Adventure Time

Everyone. Get excited. Are you ready?

I left the house!

(applause applause)

The last few days have been a bit strange and filled with a little adventure. Finally! I was beginning to wonder if I should change my sidebar explanation to say "Kelsey, who has no adventures...ever!"
WARNING: This is a long one. But, if I can make it through treatment, you can make it through my story. I'm hoping that you'll be entertained, but it may be Russian Roulette at this point.

The Adventure

I have entered regular insomnia, I can never seem to fall sleep. I tend to lay in bed and just stare at the ceiling, trying not to go mad.  This is usually the time that I become a Twitter Troll. If you follow me on Twitter, and by the way you should, then you may have seen my manic tweeting the last few days. And if you don't follow me, what the hell man!? I have those artsy buttons for Twitter, Tumblr and Pinterest designed by Jess Buckley. Click all three and become part of my delirium. You may or may not regret it.  

Despite my desperate hopes...and the use of sleeping pills, the other night turned out to be the same as all the rest; I only managed to sleep for an hour. After the nap that felt like the blink of an eye, I awoke slightly refreshed and mostly ill. I forced myself to rally and dragged my ass to the shower because as Kat Williams says, "I had shit to do!"  If there was ever a more uncomfortable experience. Apparently, I'm at the stage where standing for a few moments feels like completing a marathon. The shower seemed to last forever, but I came out so fresh and so clean-clean. I sat in my towel, trying to decide how "classy" of a day it was going to be. My plans involved a trip to the doctors office for more blood tests, clearly not a reason to put on make-up. But I decided to take it one sickly-step further and I left the house with my hair more wet than dry. It was raining (well sprinkling...well actually misting). I figured that if someone questioned me on my Wal-Mart appearance, I'd blame it on the "rain". It never rains, they'd believe it. If you are lucky enough to have Hep-C, then you know of the bi-weekly events where a phlebotomist (right out of school) stabs a needle into your arm.  As I waited, The Lovely Phlebotomist (who is magic and can draw blood without even a pin-prick) told me that only one of my doctors had orders for me, and it WAS NOT my hepatologist. They called my doctor, spoke to a nurse and then we waited. I didn't care about the waiting, I had nothing else to do.  BONUS, it gave me the time to become my Twitter Troll alter-ego and ruthlessly stalk Niall Horan. Twenty minutes had gone by when The Lovely Phlebotomist returned with the news that I had come in two days too early and my doctor refused to put in the orders. Two days! I was having a CBC and Full Blood Panel. If you aren't fluent in Sickly Girl, it basically means that she was testing my white cells and nutrition. Really? Those two days have the ability to ruin everything? I politely said "thank-you" and "oh it's no problem" while screaming profanities in my head. C'est la vie.

I was half way home when I arrived at a crossroads. No, I'm not speaking metaphorically. I came to the intersection where I could turn left and go home...or go anywhere else!  The thought of going back to my house...right back to the mundane treatment life made me snap. I drove straight!  I had no idea where I was headed, but I knew that it wasn't home. Without really noticing how far I'd traveled, I found myself out in the country.  I live in an area which consists of a valley, surrounded almost entirely by hills. On this rainy day, the sun broke through the purple clouds, and the vibrant green fields were painted with magenta colored flowers. A rare occurrence in dry California. Every-time I venture to this faraway land, I come to find something new, and most times something quirky. It may be an out of place million dollar mansion, a quaint family owned winery, or a dilapidated barn that time had forgotten. Some areas are stuck in the settlement days of the 1800's; others in 1930's Depression. At every turn, the rural haven changes into something entirely new.  For me, the best part of the country is seeing all of the farm animals, living their Happy California lives. There once was a farm that had camels, but now they only have horses and llamas (by the way, a great children's book beginning). I had a "what am I doing moment" when I saw a donkey farm and screamed "AHH DONKEY!", like a four year old child.

Ive realized while reading other blogs that I love when the blogger includes pictures of where they're from or the adventures they'd been on. I love to see what it's like where other people live. It's the wanderer in me, who is currently stuck at home. I tried my best to capture this unnaturally photogenic day. But even on these old country roads, people drive like idiots. I couldn't stop too often because there was almost always a Road-Warrior right behind me. I did find a few sleepy roads; the pictures weren't quite what I wanted but....

I had hoped to find a cute little farm, where a family of cows had made their home. I wanted to have my own "Happy Cows Come From California" photo. Unfortunately, my animal interactions consisted mainly of a dachshund who seemed to be in an existential crisis; playing chicken with the speeding cars, trying to determine if he were in-fact alive. Not to mention the kamikaze hawk who felt the need to dive-bomb my Jeep repeatedly to prove its dominance. Honestly, not something I was willing to fight for. 

I drove around aimlessly, enjoying the breeze and the occasional spring shower. As the final song of my much loved "Songs I Wrote With Amy" began to play, I thought I'd better head back to reality. I settled into my long drive home, singing along to "Where We Land".  While saying goodbye to the tranquil countryside, an elderly woman sweeping her porch stopped, looked at me and waved hello. I waved back, so excited that something like that had happened. Never these days, never out of The South.
 

Pinch Me I'm Irish...Wait...That's Not It

 Happy St. Patrick's Day to The Irish, The Irish Adjacent and The Irish Admirers

Saint Patrick was a gentleman,
Who through strategy and stealth,
Drove all the snakes from Ireland,
Here’s a toasting to his health.
 
But not too many toastings
Lest you lose yourself and then
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see all those snakes again.

'Beannachtam na Feile Padraig!'
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Here are BriBry and Hazel to teach you all about being Irish & St. Patrick's Day
 
 
  

 There are many good reasons for drinking, 
One has just entered my head.
If a man doesn't drink when he's living, 
How in the hell can he drink when he's dead?

  And Ed Sheeran to sing a traditional Irish gathering song

There's a dear little plant that grows in our isle,
'Twas St. Patrick himself, sure, that sets it;
And the sun of his labor with pleasure did smile,
And with dew from his eye often wet it.
It grows through the bog, through the brake, through the mireland,
And they call it the dear little Shamrock of Ireland.