Jellies And Scrunchies

I've recently stumbled upon a post entitled "The 90's Tag". I was tickled when I noticed that the girl completing the questionnaire was a mere and delicate 15. No little muffin cake...you are not a 90's kid.

I'm not going to lie, I'm a little 90's obsessed. It was just the perfect decade.

Back in the day...

-"Mmmm Bop" was my jam and Taylor Hanson was my everything.
-Devon Sawa was Casper and possessed by the devil; AND still so fine!
-Bayside High, Kelly Kapowski and Zack Morris's cell phone. Enough said.

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-The weekend meant TGIF, SNICK and Stick Stickley.

 -There was nothing more stressful than calling up electronic boys on Dream Phone.
-All I wanted in life was to be Baby Spice on The Big Red Bus.
-True fear was Are You Afraid Of The Dark? and playing Bloody Mary at midnight.
-"Welcome to Goodburger, home of The Goodburger, can I take your order?"
-Going to school rocking the faded jeans, jellies and scrunchies.

 -"Mr. Feeny....MR. FEENY!"

-Head bobbing like a thug to The Moffats in my ultra green walk-man.
-Slap bracelets were both the perfect accessory and a deadly weapon (against my brother).
-Buffy The Vampire Slayer was a more valley girl movie than Clueless could ever be.
-Amanda Bynes was Dear Ashley (thaaaaat's me!) and not completely insane.
-Afternoons meant TRL, Carson Daly, Boyband Wars and "Hit Me Baby One More Time".

AND THIS.....



The Original BAMF President



What were your favorite things from the best decade?

This?

I Survived San Francisco 2007

YEARS AGO, I started out my college career in San Francisco. As a kid, I loved taking day trips to San Francisco; going to Pier 39, Ghiridelli Square and piddling around the various ethnic neighborhoods. It was always the perfect place to runaway to when the valley was 110 degrees and The Bay was 60.

As it turns out, San Francisco is pretty F'ed UP and my first year of college was bizarre (to say the least).

• During the first few weeks in the dorms, the boys who lived across the hall decided to smoke weed. The police were called, but of course they boys refused to open the door. The police officer then removed their door by the hinges and found all the boys (and a few girls) hiding in armoires.
• I and a few friends went to the above boys apartment after they were kicked out of the dorms. A boy and girl I had gone with became belligerent drunks and at 2am, the girl decided to scream to the boy, "Why won't you just have sex with me?!" in the middle of the road. The police were called, and they followed us all the way back to the dorms. I've never wanted to yell, "Shut the fuck up!" more in my life.
• I went to a restaurant called Steps of Rome in Little Italy. As we ate, Usher's "Yeah" started to play and the lights went low. A guy attempted to give him girlfriend a lap-dance. Unimpressed, the incredibly creepy waiters came to my friend and I to demonstrate a proper lap-dance. HORRIFYING.
• On Halloween we went to a few parties and one of the girls (same girl screaming about sex above) became so drunk and disappeared. We didn't hear from her for 3 days. I still have no idea where she was.
• In my public speaking class, my teacher did not approve of a student saying "that's so gay". As punishment, she told him to get up and sing a song. He began to unbutton his top and sing "I'm too sexy for my shirt...." Best moment in a class ever.
• I was coming home from a shopping trip downtown and while on MUNI (subway), a couple of boys said "Yo man, let's thizz" and popped some pills. Thizz is Bay Slang for Ecstacy. Have you ever watched someone go from normal to fucked up on a subway?
• The night before first semester finals, I went in a group of 20 to a Japanese restaurant; one that didn't card. I was the one sober person in a massive group of Sake Bombing 18 year-olds. Waiting for MUNI to take us back home, the boys were peeing in the bushes, the girls were falling onto the tracks and the police were circling us, just.watching. That night I decided to keep at 30 foot distance from everyone. Friends? What friends? I don't know them.
• Pulling an all-nighter, my roommate stumbled in drunk and stoned. Pissed that this was that 100th time, I texted my brother, "I'm so sick of Julie's drunk ass!". Well, my brother's name also starts with a J, and his name was directly above hers in my cellphone. I definitely texted her my shit talking and I spent the rest of the night in a screaming match with a high person.
• In the fall, there is something called Love Fest. On this day, college students dress up in wacky outfits and travel in herds downtown. Everyone else attends in NO clothing at all (it's NOT illegal to be naked in public that day). I came across a naked man in a cowboy hat, rollerblading near Forever 21.
• In Haight-Ashbury, a homeless, dreadlocked 20 something, with a cat on his shoulder, looked at me said, "Look at the yuppies!", then barked. I then came upon a homeless man with a beggar sign that read, "Smile if you masturbate." After you laugh, it turns over to say "I'm psychic, payment required".

Haight in a nutshell

If you Google Weird San Francisco, you get Real San Francisco.

I SURVIVED SAN FRANCISCO 2007

Jurassic Park Is Real

Back in the summer I took a trip to The Redwoods with my best friend. We had a plan to hike, but when we arrived, it seemed that all of NorCal had the same idea. Knowing how much we hate all other people, we kept driving past the national park until we came upon a beach. Hiking from the shore to the top of the clouds, we somehow entered the world of Jurassic Park.

The Sombrero Wearing Superhero

Today was another day of blood tests, but before walking around with more bruises and a giant bandage on my arm, I ran to the shop to grab some odds and ends. While in the store, I noticed a man casually browsing the stacks in a blue cape and sombrero. I looked to see if he was with his son; maybe they were having a father-son dress up day. Nope, he was celebrating Mexican Super Hero Day all by himself. You go sir, you rock that sombrero!

 My greatest regret in life will be never asking him about it.

 He needs his own comic book.

After my day of shopping (and that little trip for a needle prick), I headed to the country.I drove aimlessly for hours once again. By the time I made it home, I still wasn't ready to stay in and be lazy. Seeing as it was such a warm day, I took a stroll through the creek behind my house.

Rock Out With Your Co....Whoa Hold On

As I've mentioned before, I consider myself to be the whitest person to ever walk the earth. I can't wait for The Zombie Apocalypse to begin so I'll finally have pale and purple people to be friends with. I was watching In The Flesh and was thinking "Oh my god, I've found my people!" Kieren even has the blue lips, it's perfect.

For the last 10 years, I've consistently heard some sort of criticism or statement about my skin color. Depending on the person, and even the time of year, this could range from a simple "Wow! You're really white" to "Wow! Do you ever go in the sun? Why don't you go tanning? Go get a spray tan!" I even spent an entire COLLEGE class being interrogated about what would happen if I actually laid out in the sun. Um, I'd burst into flames! 

As summer is just around the corner, I am getting ready for the constant stares, the shocks and the awes when I rock out with my legs out. World...get ready for your retinas to be completely burned by the reflection of my skin. Why? Treatment...duh!  I have so little hemoglobin that my blood is mainly blue, leaving my Irish skin translucent white with patches of grey. Sexy right? Who wants a piece of THIS? Through most of the summer, I will be a giant blue popsical. This means that I will be avoiding my brother, he turns the darkest Portuguese brown. Looks like someone was selfish and took all of the dark skin DNA.

I have a bunch of errands to run later today, and I of course will be rockin' the shorts.
Get your stunna-shades ready y'all.

We All Have Dreams

I've been stuck at home a lot lately and during my quiet days I've had time to think about my hopes and dreams.
 About everything that I wish I could be.
I have to say, it's been pretty philosophical. I've learned so much about myself.

My #1 Dream: To live in a world where I can openly listen to HIP-HOP

EVERY-TIME I roll up in my car and I just happen to be going hard to 2Pac...I get the "DAFUQ" face.

While on my daily drive around, I kept getting weird looks. I even had to turn the volume down as a preventative measure.
It's 2013 people. Shame on you, it's not polite to stare!

Let me be me. It's not my fault that I'm a ginger-blonde-Irish-white-girl.

It's not my fault. It's genetics!

The Prince of Portlandia

Once upon a time, there was a strange and magical land where all those who lived were cursed. Those marked by The Evil Witch could only see through black framed glasses, could only hear the sounds of soft Indie Rock and were forced to wear internal-organ-crushing skinny jeans.               

    This magical land was known as Portlandia.

Portlandia had long been segregated from the rest of the Enchanted Forest of Oregon. An evil witch had spelled The Land and turned all of her subjects into ogres of which she called Hipsters. My quest to Portlandia was in search of The Prince, destined to save The Land from this evil enchantress. The task was too great to be fought alone; I needed my most trusted friend, Eve.

The journey from The California Castle to this faraway land was long; it seemed that we would never find our way. To bypass the treacherous Enchanted Forest, a dragon carried us upon its back. As we finally spotted Portlandia, the dragon slowly dropped to the ground, never alerting the cursed-knights to our arrival. We soon found a weak spot within the Portlandia Gate and silently slid through.

 

The Witch's curse within The Ghostly Manor

We traveled until we found The Ghostly Manor where we'd hope to hide as we continued our search for The Prince. As Eve and I entered, we quickly realized that it had been cursed as well; it was stuck within a time loop, stuck in 1850. As we sat at the ancient tables, a palm reader suddenly appeared offering to relay my fortune. I couldn't exactly place what I'd felt, but I knew that there was something off about her. The old hag violently grabbed my arm and began to read the lines of my hand, revealing that my life was soon to change. She wouldn't disclose the details of the life altering event; for that required money. Refusing to pay, her face suddenly began to change; her bones began to break and reassemble right before my eyes. She was The Witch! Eve and I ran, never resting until we came to our little room, the only place she could never enter. We cautiously examined our hide-away, looking to see if the ghosts of her victims still lingered within. It wasn't called The Ghostly Manor for just any reason.

...we didn't stop until we came to our little room.

Seeing The Witch face to face made us even more determined to find The Prince. We headed for The Center of Portlandia where we could stay in the shadows, keeping out of view of her Hipsters who would most certainly trap us within the curse. Eve and I searched The Enchanted Land for hours until we came upon a group of prospective princesses sitting outside a strange place called The Roseland; The Prince must have been inside. The little ladies created settlements around the walls to wait for their precious ginger. I began to study each of the ladies, scanning their eyes, unveiling their intentions. I soon noticed one that seemed to be far different than the rest; her smile was a bit...off. All of a sudden she let out a cackle that could only come from The Witch herself. She must have changed her face in the hopes of winning The Prince's heart! We couldn't let that happen. Eve and I had to find a way to stop her.

We returned that night to rescue The Prince, unsure of how exactly it could be done. We stood outside the walls of The Roseland, watching...wondering who had become the hidden witch. Panic set in as we realized that we would soon be surrounded by thousands of possible evil witches...completely unprepared. 

 

The little princesses, or The Witch

 The Witch never made her move against us and we safely found our way inside. To our delight, The Roseland had been divided in two: The Peasant Level for all of the prospective princesses younger than 21 and the Royal Box for those of us a little older. Eve and I quickly ascended to the upper level to convene with the other royals as The Witch was left with the peasants; her young disguise forced her to remain with all of those who she greatly despised. Suddenly, we heard a blood-curtailing scream from The Peasant Level; The Prince had arrived, and he had begun to sing. I'd heard tales of his voice, but with every word I fell in love. The Witch must have been angry when his spotlight came upon me and The Prince and I locked eyes. One of the jealous princesses soon cried out, "I JUST WANT TO STROKE YOU!" in hopes to gain his attention. The Prince continued his song and our eyes met once again.

 
The Prince  

The Prince sang for hours, but after his melody "You Need Me, I Don't Need You", he suddenly disappeared; I became worried that The Witch had done something. All of those in attendance were forced to leave, a princess wouldn't be chosen that night. We sat in the Royal Box, hoping to somehow spot him. Soon, one of The Witch's armed guards found us...and we ran for our lives. Extremely tired and hungry, we visited a local shop called Voodoo Doughnut, the creation of The Witch's younger and more beautiful sister. These magical cakes contained both power and bravery. To earn them however, we had to recite a spell. My cake required the use of the phrase, "Triple Chocolate Penetration", something a lady should never say. I soon felt powerful, I could fight anything; a dragon: a Hipster, The Witch. I wasn't the only one who needed to be prepared, Eve did as well. She used the spell, "Old Dirty Bastard"'; not the language of a proper woman indeed, but she started to feel a little braver. The spelled cakes required time to fully work, so we began the journey back to The Ghostly Manor, leaving the prospective princesses waiting at The Prince's window, from which he never appeared.

As we awoke from our voodoo slumber, we set off to find the ancient magic that would aid us in our fight against The Witch. We traveled to the source...Multnomah Falls. The water from the mountain contained more magic than The Witch could ever hope to see. For years it had been protected by her younger and more beautiful sister, where else would the Voodoo Doughnuts get their power? We found ourselves a carriage to bring us to The Falls. Soon, we would have everything that we needed to save The Prince.

Multnomah Falls Magic Shoppe

The Falls

We traveled to the bottom of the mountain to collect some of the magic within the water. The entire time that we knelt near the magic pond, we could feel someone watching us. The Falls was crowded that day and there was no way to tell who exactly was staring. Eve and I began to walk back to The Magic Shoppe; we needed to learn how to work the spell. As we walked in, we were immediately met by a woman called Amy. She pulled us away from the crowd; she could feel the eyes watching us as well. Within moments, we were attacked! One of The Witch's ogres had found us. How do you fend off a Hipster? Eve and I hadn't a clue, but Amy seemed to have an idea.  All of a sudden, a box appeared and inside was a pair of Ray-Bans, a penny-board, a camera and a type-writer. The ogre stopped in his tracks, he couldn't help himself. He grabbed the penny-board, put on the Ray-Bans and immediately began to ride around the shop, taking photos and compulsively writing about it. While The Hipster remained distracted, we ran. We continued to run until we were sure that no one was chasing us. Neither of us knew how to use the magic from The Falls, but as I tried to catch my breath, I noticed a small piece of paper crumpled in my hand. Amy somehow managed to give me the words to complete the spell. All that was written was...

"Give Me Love"

                                                                                                                                                                   
These are my photos from my trip to Portland. I was going to just write a blog about it, but decided to make it a little more interesting. This is my fairytale version.

Eve: Fake name, my friend doesn't have a fairy-tell name 

The dragon: the plane 

The cursed-knights: TSA who search me every-time I go through security

The Ghostly Manor: The White Eagle Bar & Hotel
The Prospective Princesses: All of the teen girls at the concert
The Prince: Ed Sheeran

The Roseland: Venue of the show

The Royal Box: The 2nd level where the bar was, no teens allowed
Multnomah Falls: Actually Multnomah, no magic
Voodoo Doughnuts: Actually Voodoo Doughnuts, no magic

Triple Chocolate Penetration Spell: My doughnut: vegan chocolate, with chocolate frosting and coco puffs

Old Dirty Bastard Spell: My friend's doughnut: yeast doughnut with frosting, Oreo and peanut butter

Give Me Love Spell: My favorite song

The Witch: The too-cool-for-school vibe of Portland

The Hipster Ogre: The too-cool-for-school people of Portland

Yes: Some girl screamed "I just want to stroke you" AND I did lock eyes with Ed Sheeran. It was awesome.