The Graduate Apocalypse

BEWARE

TIMES ARE TRULY TERRIFYING

There was once a time when the world was bright and beautiful. A magical time, now only memory, long since faded away. Life hasn't been the same since I was heartlessly abandoned by my university, clutching my college degree, sobbing alone in the dark. The warm and comforting swaddle of college has now been replaced by the cold barbaric slap of the real world.

It's a fight to survive...It's a fight to the death....It's a fight for JOBS!



With my diploma hanging comfortably on the wall, I have (reluctantly) jumped head first into the unknown waters of adulthood, a place where I feel woefully unprepared. It wasn't until I began the arduous task of job hunting that I realized just how little I know about a post-grad career. My mind is now littered with questions and I'm completely lost within a dense fog of confusion.

1. How do I write a proper resume?
   A standard application was all I ever needed before now. All of a sudden I must describe every academic and professional achievement? I've just spent five years in college on The Dean's Honor List. College was my job!
2. How do I write a cover letter?
   You're telling me I have to create a whole separate document to supplement the other page of achievements and qualifications? But some say that it's needed and some say it's completely pointless. Maybe it will get you the job; maybe it will be ripped off and thrown into the trash. What do I do!?
3. But wait one second, what exactly is a cover letter to begin with?
   I think I've figured it out, though it probably took half my life to understand. It's basically a way to editorialize my achievements in order to persuade the potential employer into choosing my dazzling talents over everyone else. It feels a bit like an online dating profile.  
4. Where do I search for jobs?
   Even with the Internet it's difficult to find the perfect job, or any job in which you fulfill at least a few of the requirements. How did people do this before? I've found Monster, Craigslist and Indeed for the mass job searches, but they're just a small portion of the endless and intimidating ocean.
5. So...I'm actually unqualified for everything?
   For some reason I thought that my degree would matter. Scouring the interwebs has made it quite clear that unless you have a fantastic degree, 10 years of experience AND the blood of a sacrificed virgin, there's absolutely no point in applying...you should probably just give up now and apply to McDonald's instead. Entry level positions are extremely hard to come by and they seem to be disguised as "unpaid internships".
6. So...I actually won't have a plan after college?
   I changed majors four times before I graduated with an unwanted degree. Wasn't I supposed to have everything figured out at 18? Isn't that why I was forced to choose a major and sell my soul on the first day of college?
7. What do I do when I don't want to use my degree?
   Will someone outside of my field want me, despite not having their desired degree? Will someone just give me a chance!?
8. Panic?
   Definitely.

I've been searching for awhile now and I'm having trouble finding a job; maybe it's because I'm always forgetting the virgin sacrifice...they're awfully hard to come by these days. Most likely it's because I'm my own worst enemy. Since I no longer desire to finish credentialing and become a teacher, my degree is pretty useless. Googling "Liberal Studies Careers" explains the harsh reality of an inevitable minimum-wage life in retail. Unless I surrender to the educational system, my degree is 100% pointless. My other issue is my inability to choose, well, just about anything. My gypsy spirit combined with my unwavering LIFE-A.D.D has me overwhelmed with too many interests and no way to pin them down. I've looked into...

• Social media
• Entry level writing
• Travel writing
• Non-profit organizations
• Pretty much everything in between or a combination of the above

Luckily I am not the only disillusioned soul running about the job market. It seems that we're all a bit lost and unsure of where to go. It's The Graduate Apocalypse...we're walking around aimlessly, fighting for the few scraps that we find. We're all just trying to survive. The Zombie Apocalypse probably would have been a bit easier. At least then there'd be a set plan....DON'T DIE! Yes, so much easier than searching desperately for that perfect job, you know the one that just happens to be located in an exciting city, with full benefits and a swanky apartment.